Live ChatUnder the cover of darkness on Friday the 11th of June 1982, Paul Moore, an Airborne Royal Engineer attached to 3 Para, fixed bayonet and walked into a minefield on the slopes of Mount Longdon.
After 12 hours of fierce fighting, the battle ended with 3 Para taking the Argentinian positions atop Mount Longdon, and endured a further two days under fire. 23 men of 3 Para were killed, two as young as 17, and over 80 wounded.
The mental toll of the battle has never left Paul. Years later in an incident on the ranges Paul found himself considering turning his gun against himself, which led him to seek help from a local SSAFA volunteer. This set Paul on a path of understanding; to know more about PTSD, learning to understand and cope with his triggers, whilst educating himself and those around him on how to live with the scars of war.
Paul is now the Chair of the SSAFA County Durham Branch and is the organiser of the 4-man team that have completed the Falkland’s Ride of Respect; an annual motorbike ride created to visit all Falkland war graves in the UK.
In late 2022, Paul plans to visit the remaining 15 graves located on the Falkland Islands by motorbike as a mark of respect and remembrance.
“I joined the Army in September 1976 as a boy soldier at sixteen years old. The reason I joined the Army is because I didn't want to follow my father into steelworks. Quite simply, I didn't want to go into that repetitive environment of shift work. At school, I'd always been interested in geography, and I loved reading about places around the world.
“...I had a great recruiting staff sergeant who was in the REME and when I went to do my initial tests, he told me they had some good news and some bad news... The bad news... he said, 'Well, you're a little bit thick for the REME but he said you're not thick enough for the Paras, so the good news is, how about joining the Royal Engineers because they've got a parachute squadron and go careering around the place blowing things up.'”
Paul thought to himself “I’ll have some of that” and joined the Royal Engineers.
I've never been any further south than York in my life.
“I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. In September 1976 myself and four other lads from my former school all jumped on this troop train in Durham station and headed south. Two of them were going to the Royal Signals and another one to the Royal Military Police and I was off to Dover to join the Junior Leaders Regiment Royal Engineers. I remember thinking as the train passed through York on the way south that it was all new from here as I've never been any further south than York in my life.”
Training
“I didn't take well to training at all. I enjoyed the physical stuff and I was as fit as a butcher's dog back in those days. I enjoyed the PT and the exercise and running about the woods with guns, all the typical soldier stuff.
“I had joined up on a nine-year engagement initially, but as soon as I could, I reduced that to a three year term because I hated training and just wanted to do my minimum and get out.
“I volunteered to go to the parachute squadron and I started training with some other guys who were also going there. I got some advice from some of our instructors who'd been in the parachute squadron about what to do, how to train and all this type of stuff, so we had some good preparation. By the time I went to the parachute squadron in Aldershot I was extremely fit and did pre-para, P Company, jumps course, straight through, in one hit.
“The thing that kept me going is the fact that some of my mates were already in the Paras and they were encouraging me, and the fact that some of my mates who'd joined up from school had jacked and gone back home. That was not me. I would never quit.”
“That moment when I passed P Company was great.
"Then, of course, you get your maroon beret and shortly afterwards your wings on your arm and you feel like you're 7 foot tall and invincible. I was just turned 18.”
Joining the regiment
“I was the new guy so I was just finding my feet and getting to know people. I got the nickname Ginge. I'd always been called Geordie before that but in the Paras they decided to call me Ginge and it stuck.
“We were warned for a tour in Belize, and as we went on Christmas leave in '78, I was super excited about going to Belize, in Central America. I'd been to Germany on an exercise before but somewhere tropical was so exciting. We were over there for 6 months and I did jungle survival and warfare courses and also went to Fort Bragg in America to jump with the 82 Airborne Division.
“When you look back there are certain moments that really define your career and the rest of your life. One evening a bunch of us took a few beers and we went up to sit on top of this hill to watch the sun set over the jungle. The sun was setting in the west towards Guatemala and there's monkeys, parrots and macaws in the trees and I remember thinking ‘This is what I joined up for’. The very next day I went to see the clerks and increased my engagement back up to 9 years. That was a real defining moment for me, and I guess it was at that point I started to enjoy the Army as I then stayed in for 34 years."
Heading for the Falklands
“In the early part of 1982 we were in a period of training. I had done a JNCO Cadre the year before and had been promoted to Lance Corporal at the end of 1981.”
“We'd just come back from Northern Ireland the year before and of course we had been on a bunch of exercises in between, but people were going on courses to gain qualifications.”
You're taking your test today because you guys are not going to be around for much longer
“I was on a driving course at Church Crookham near Aldershot and something came on the radio about the Falklands and my ears pricked up because I knew where they were as I loved to read about explorers like Scott, Shackleton and Edmundsen.
“The very next day our driving instructor... said right, 'you're taking your test today because you guys are not going to be around for much longer'. The next thing you know, 2 Para were called up and my troop were also to go as I was in 2 Troop, 9 Parachute Squadron, so we traditionally supported 2 Para.
“...it was pretty chaotic. There were trucks going all over the country to pick up stores and take them to the ports where the ships were and people were flying about all over the place ... Of course, we were watching the news and hearing what was going on as well, but this was bigger than anything we'd experienced before. We'd seen some big exercises in Germany but nothing of the scale of this. Most of the Navy all headed south. None of us had seen anything like it.
“... there was a period of kit lists and more kit lists and being issued gear and hurriedly packing boxes. After a couple of stop and starts we eventually sailed, I think it was the 21st of April or thereabouts...”
The Journey south
“... we sailed south on a North Sea ferry called the MV Norland. I remember the day we got on the ship and we were shown our bunks and which were right down on E Deck... right down in the bottom of the ship and below the waterline! Of course, they had bussed our wives down to the port and they were all on the dockside. The band of the Parachute Regiment were playing Ride of the Valkyries as the ship pulled away from the dock, and we all thought that it all seemed to be like one of those old WW2 movies that you see.
“As we got further away and you couldn't see anyone anymore... someone nudged me and said, 'Look at that,' and up on the headland as we were leaving Portsmouth, there's a car park. It's probably a mile from the ship and there was a car up there and there was someone flashing 'V' in Morse in their headlights. That was very special and I think a few of us had lumps in our throats at that point."
To be honest, it was a bit of a party atmosphere because we were working hard all day, and training hard
“...The first few days on the ship were just basically settling in and finding our way around the ship. The ship was full of troops, mainly 2 Para but also Engineers, Gunners, Signals, Medics and all sorts of other people... Of an evening, we were largely confined to one of the bars upstairs and were allowed to have a couple of beers. It was meant to be a 2 can per man rule but that didn't last very long. To be honest, it was a bit of a party atmosphere because we were working hard all day, and training hard... but we were able to let our hair down a little bit of an evening and have a bit of a laugh, and a bit of a sing song to Wendy, one of the ships more ‘flamboyant’ crew members on the piano.
“I think everyone was really expecting that the politicians would come up with a solution and we all thought that when they see all these ships moving south they'll withdraw before we get there or the UN will come up with something."
It was a real sobering moment. It got very real very quickly.
“I remember the day that it came over the tannoy that HMS Sheffield had been hit with considerable loss of life and there was almost a collective intake of breath. Everyone knew that there was no messing about now. Bear in mind, that Sheffield was the first capital ship that we'd lost since World War 2. It was a real sobering moment. It got very real very quickly.”
Arriving at the Falkland Islands
“...at Ascension Island there was a lot of moving stores about between ships because a lot of stuff had just been thrown on ships but it was not necessarily on the right ship and it needed to be moved about... the further south we got, the cooler it got, and the seas got a bit rougher. At some point, we were transferred across to the Canberra to join with 3 Para as their Engineer support. We were very disappointed to be leaving 2 Para as we knew all those guys very well and we didn’t know the 3 Para lads so much, but they made us very welcome and within a couple of days it was like we’d been with them forever.
“We quickly settled in and landed on the 21st of May with 3 Para at Green Beach, Port San Carlos off HMS Intrepid.
“In our minds, we were expecting land mines, and booby traps as we went into Port San Carlos. The Argentinian garrison there was about half a company's strength, and had occupied the community centre there. Some of our guys were sent to search it and to make sure there was nothing untoward in there.
“In among the Argentinian kit, they found a lot of Royal Marines gear clearly from the Royal Marine detachment at Moody Brook. We also found a Royal Navy white ensign which they'd obviously had as a souvenir. So we counter-liberated it and my pal Scotty stuck that in his bergen."
Start of operations
“... on Day 1, 21 May, I was sent off with Jock Ferry on a Patrol with 3 Para to blow up some guns on Fanning Head. We had a very wet insertion by Rigid Raider and spent a freezing night up on the hill before blowing them up the next morning. We'd come back up to the top of Fanning Head, and there were all these ships in the bay, it was an amazing sight. There was not a cloud in the sky and not much wind. It was a lovely day."
We ran and hid behind some rocks giggling like kids.
"Then we hear over the radio, ‘air alert red, air alert red’. We thought, this'll be good. We'll get a grand stand view of this. We had 2 GPMG's with us so we got those set up just in case we had the chance of a shot at one of their aircraft... Then we saw the aircraft coming in from the West and coming in low, going for the ships and of course, the ships started firing at them and there were missiles going off... as the aircraft went past the ships, the guns turned and we realised they were firing towards us. We ran and hid behind some rocks giggling like kids.
"After that raid, we went back up on top again and we could see all the ships out in the bay. HMS Ardent was burning with another ship alongside and then HMS Antelope came back into the bay with a hole through her side, where the bomb had gone into the ship. Sadly she blew up later when Jim Prescott went to diffuse the bomb.
“It didn't feel like we were winning at that point but there it was... We really felt for the Navy guys... On Intrepid they were saying things like 'we wouldn't fancy being you lot having to go ashore' but we didn't want to be stuck in this tin can. The shore is where we feel safe.”
Seeing that whole tri-service machine working together was fantastic
“Seeing that whole tri-service machine working together was fantastic and we were just a tiny cog in it. Seeing how everyone did their different jobs and how it all worked together did give me a real respect especially for the Navy and Marines. We always had the red and green rivalry thing going with the Marines but they did a great job too. At the end of the day, we're all just cogs in a big machine and we have to work together as one big team and that's what we did.
“We'd been ashore, probably about a week. There was already a buzz going on that we have to break out at some point, as we can't stay here forever. So, we all knew that we were going but in the meanwhile, Atlantic Conveyor got hit and she sank... Atlantic Conveyor had a lot of helicopters on board, including a couple of heavy lift Chinooks and I believe only one got off. So, it was like, right, guys, we're walking... So, we set off up the Murrell River by Rigid Raider for a couple of miles then started tabbing.
“Initially, we tabbed towards Teal Inlet and then eventually Estancia House, which is at the base of Mount Estancia this took probably best part of three or four days... I don't know how far it is but it's a bloody long way, over awful terrain... we were constantly wet all the time. A lot of guys started to suffer with their feet, as in, immersion foot.
“We'd left our Bergen's behind, so you just had what you stood up in. Sometimes they said, ‘right, we've got three or four hours, get your heads down, get some sleep’, in which case, we just buddied up, wrapped a poncho around us and three or four of us would sleep together spooning. That’s when you know who your mates are!"
The 450 men of 2 Para won the Battle of Goose Green on 28-29 May 1982, but the victory came at a cost. 18 men were killed and 2 Para lost its Commanding Officer Lieutenant- Colonel Herbert ‘H’ Jones, their second-in-command Captain Chris Dent, and the Battalion Adjutant Captain David Wood. Paul and 3 Para, heard the battle in the distance from their position.
When we saw the casualty list we knew every single one of them... that was a big shock.
“We were probably 40 miles north, but the buzz was going around that 2 Para were on their way and soon we could see the star shells and we could hear explosions... This was quite an awful feeling, really, because we knew that these were our mates, these were the guys we lived with in Aldershot and we just felt we should be there.
“We lost many good friends that night but one in particular Mick Melia had been my section commander when I first joined 9 Squadron on that Belize tour... Mick was in 59 Commando Squadron, Royal Engineers and sadly was killed right at the start of the Battle of Darwin and Goose Green. When we saw the casualty list we knew every single one of them... that was a big shock.
“There were all sorts of rumours going around at what had gone on at Goose Green and how people had performed. In general, we were awestruck at what 2 Para had achieved. We were really geed up by that and we just wanted to get stuck in ourselves.”
Battle of Mount Longdon 11-12 June 1982
“It was very much like the First World War. Fixed bayonets, stand up, walk forward.
“There were lots of recce patrols going out. Some really as far forward as onto the slopes of Mount Longdon to find where the minefields were. We knew the minefields were out there, we just didn't know exactly where they were.
“Then the CO had made the decision of which direction he was going to take for the assault... On the morning of 11 June, we had gone up to a slope overlooking Mount Longdon, which was probably about 5 or 6 kilometres away, so we could lay with a set of binoculars and look at the direction we were going to go that night.
We had constructed a small bridge... nothing flash, it was just a ladder with a plank strapped to it!
“... then we just waited for it to get dark. It was about four o'clock in the afternoon and it was proper Falklands dark and we had to cross the Murrell River. The Murrell River's not very wide, it's only about 10 or 12 feet wide but it's quite fast flowing. Being prepared for this, we had constructed a small bridge... nothing flash, it was just a ladder with a plank strapped to it! . . One of our guys actually got into the river and held onto the ladder to stop it rolling as people literally walked the plank with all their gear.”
“Then we got to the start line and that was a key moment. We were less than 400 metres from the enemy. I was attached to B Coy of 3 Para and was located right behind the Company HQ with 4, 5 and 6 Platoon out in front. We hadn't gone quite as far as the minefield but we knew the minefield was in front of us. We're all laid there on the ground and the Sergeant Major of B Company went along and very quietly said, 'if you want to have a word with the man upstairs do it now because for some of us it’s our last chance….I’m going to'. Then the word came down the line, 'Fix bayonets' and we all just got to our knee and fixed bayonets, 'Stand up' we all stood up, and then 'Forward' and we started walking forward into the minefield.”
Corporal Brian Milne
“This was to be a silent attack – as in no supporting artillery or mortars until required – but as we went forward one of the 3 Para Corporals called Brian Milne unfortunately stood on a landmine. Of course, everyone hit the deck then someone said, “what are you waiting for, get up, move, move” and we all started running through the minefield, heading up the hill. By then the Argentinians had woke up and started firing down the hill. Luckily, they were mostly firing over our heads in the dark but as we got in among the rocks that's when the battle really started.
“... as we got into this rock gully, which later became the regimental aid post, my troop commander Robbie Burns came along and he said, right, I want two guys to come with me, we're going into the minefield to find Corporal Milne. So, we went back down the hill into the minefield, not really knowing where the second and third row were and we're going, 'Brian? Brian?' And troop is going 'Corporal Mill, Corporal Mill,' 'Brian.' We couldn't find him and then a sniper started taking shots at us... we decided it wasn't a healthy place to be, stuck out in the middle of a minefield, so we made our way back up into the rocks and a lad in 3 Para nearly bloody shot us at that point because he didn't know anyone was behind him and he told us that Brian Milne was there, he was with them.”
Battle of Mount Longdon continued
“From the moment we started walking forward to getting through the minefield was only a matter of minutes... then we were trying to push up through these rock gullies... we did get channelled into those as it was the only cover available and the Argentinians were throwing hand grenades down them. We could hear the grenades going dink, dink, dink on the rocks then boom... At one point it felt like one of these things went off right next to my head, it was a hell of a bang and all I could see was just white. I picked myself up and cracked on."
Amongst the confusion of the following hours of battle, Paul’s unit lost track of each other. Paul recalls running into his Section Commander Scotty amongst the melee, as Scotty was trying to gather some men together to go and bring up ammunition, but in the confusion and darkness other voices were telling them to stay put. Later, in the early hours of morning Paul was shocked to learn Scotty had been killed.
“I had gone down to the RAP with some walking wounded and some other guys and we were told to wait there. At some point some guys went up the hill and when they came back down probably an hour later they were carrying a stretcher shoulder high which was unusual. The lads who were carrying it were visibly upset and then I learned that it was Scotty.
“Myself and Jonah were given the task of sorting through his gear looking for personal effects and put them into a bag. The Padre was with us and he was also very upset. Jonah found Scotty's maroon beret inside his smock. Jonah said, 'Let's leave his beret with him,' and we did that. We put his hands on top of his beret. We've always regretted that... we should never have done that because we should have kept it and brought it home for Jean, his wife.
There are two sisters, and they've both lost their husbands in the same battle the same night.
“I knew that Scotty's brother-in-law, Keith McCarthy in 3 Para was up the hill somewhere so I went to try and find Keith to let him know that Scotty was dead.”
“I found a guy from Anti-Tank Platoon and said, 'Mate, I'm looking for Keith McCarthy,' and I'll never forget the look on this lad's face, he looked at me in a strange sort of way and he said, 'Why do you want Keith?' I said, 'I've got some bad news, Scotty was killed last night’... and it turned out Keith had also been killed. Then it hit me, it was like a slap in the face, there are two sisters, and they've both lost their husbands in the same battle the same night. You just can't make it up, can you?
“Keith was killed with two other lads, Alex Shaw, who was an ex-Royal Marine but transferred into the REME as a Craftsman Armourer, and Pete Hedicker who used to be the barman of our pub in Aldershot, they were all in the same anti-tank position and they got a direct hit with a 105 from along the ridge, probably the same gun that killed Scotty.”
Scotty Wilson & the Navy flag
“When we were at Estancia, we were living in a little garden shed for a while. There were about six of us all crammed in with our gear. Scotty took me to one side one day and gave me the white ensign flag he had ‘liberated’ at Port San Carlos:
"Scotty said, 'I want you to look after that'
"I said, 'I’ve got enough bloody kit to carry !’
"Scotty said, 'Just do it. I want you to look after that for me'.
"I said, ‘You've carried it all the way here!
"Then Scotty said, 'Well, I don't think I'm coming back and I want you to look after it. If I don't make it back I want it to go into the Airborne Forces Museum.'
"I said, 'Don't be daft, you're going to be fine. We're all getting nervous, but you're going to be fine.'
"He said, 'Maybe but humour me. Just do it.'
"Chuntering away I stuck the flag in a pocket in the back of my smock and I carried it up Mount Longdon and all the way into Stanley and brought it home. Scotty was killed on Longdon. When we got home, my wife Lesley embroidered it with a short passage about it and it's now in the Airborne Forces Museum in Duxford. That's where it lives as Scotty wanted.”
Argentinian surrender
“On the morning of June 13th, we were still on Mount Longdon and still getting shelled. 2 PARA had come round to the north of us and attacked Wireless Ridge, and 3 Para gave supporting fire for them. We could see Argentinians coming off the hills to the south and 2 Para were advancing towards Stanley and needed Engineers so we got a very quick notice to move. 'Right, just get down into Stanley and catch up with 2 Para - be quick.' We were really expecting to have to fight into Stanley so we quickly tabbed off the top of Longdon onto Wireless Ridge and caught up with 2 Para just as they were on the outskirts of Stanley. We did get a few ‘Where the bloody hell of you lot been?’ type calls off our mates in 2 Para!
“On the night of the 13th June we ended up being billeted on Ross Road West. The following morning myself and half a section were sent down to Government House to make sure that a Argie body laid in the back garden was clear of booby traps. He had clearly been executed. That’s also when we noticed that they'd actually laid landmines in the garden of Government House for some reason.
The surrender had just been signed.
“I was just going into Government House through the kitchen door and out walks the Argentinian Commander of the Falklands, General Menendez, followed by Major General Jeremy Moore and a whole bunch of other very high-ranking officers. The surrender had just been signed. That evening we had moved into a house up on Davis Street and managed to liberate some wine and some whiskey from somewhere, so we had a bit of a party until some Argies decided to burn down the store in town and we had to get out of there.
“We were clearing ammunition over on the racecourse when we got the word that we were to get on a ship to go home that afternoon. We literally had an hour, if that, to get packed and get down and get on the ship, LSL Sir Geraint, and we were gone. That was 29th June 1982. It's a day I will never forget as it was my 22nd birthday.
“We had a couple of beers on the ship that night until the seas got really rough. Eventually we got to Ascension and were took ashore by helicopter. After a very quick briefing, we were put onto a waiting VC10 and flew back to Brize Norton, to be met by our families. For us, the war was over.”
Forgotten War
“I think that even now, most of the British public don't have a clue where the Falklands are. Most don’t even know we had a war down there or that we lost 258 men including three civilian ladies in Stanley, or that some of our ships were sunk.”
Ride of Respect
“The Falklands was the first war where the families were given the option of bringing them home.”
Paul has been the organiser of the Falklands Ride of Respect to commemorate the Falklands fallen since 2019. The ride began after a conversation with fellow Para, Jimmy O’Connell who was writing a book ‘Three Days In June’ about the battle for Mount Longdon.
“Jimmy was doing his research for the book, and he asked me if I knew where this village called Lanchester was in Durham. He said, 'One of the lads is buried there. Can you go and find his grave?' I immediately put the phone down, jumped in the car, and I drove to Lanchester. It's only a half hour away, and I found Stewart Laing's grave.
“Stewie was in 3 Para Anti-Tanks and was killed trying to save another man who had already been wounded by a sniper. He was a very brave young man, and only 19 when he was killed... It shocked me, the very fact that I'd been driving up and down that road for the last 30 odd years and not realised that Stew was buried there only 300 yards away.
“I started doing a bit of research to find all the 3 PARA graves, all 23 of them and plotted them on a map... This was back in 2019 and I thought, 'This will make a good motorbike ride, and we'll do it for SAMA (South Atlantic Medal Association), and raise a few bob’...I didn’t realise how big of a project it would become”
Paul explains the ride is more than to just fundraise for charity, it is about respect and awareness raising.
It’s also about support for those veterans and families
“The ride is about remembrance but also about respect for the families who've lived all these years without a son or a husband... Its also about awareness because we want other people to know where the graves are, and the Falklands 40th Anniversary is coming up and a lot of people don't know about the Falklands. It’s also about support for those veterans and families who might need a bit of support somehow, and SAMA82 who also support those veterans and enable them to travel to the Falklands.
“We did the 3 PARA graves ride in 2019, which was a great success and we raised a bunch of money. Then I started plotting where all the other Falklands graves are in the UK that was our 2020 ride. In total the ride is 2,600 miles round the UK, taking in nearly 80 graves and several memorials.
“After that was over we said, 'Right, for 2021 we're going to put both those rides together,'... We spread it over 16 days, visited all the graves and a lot of the memorials all around the country, all the way as far north as Macduff in north Scotland, and all the way down to Plymouth in the south-west and across to Great Yarmouth on the east coast and up through Wales and over to Northern Ireland as well. We did say that our 2021 ride was going to be the last one as a team but how could we not do one in the 40th Anniversary year?
“Me and Charlie are currently planning a trip to Falklands to visit the last 15 graves by motorbike. Then we can say, hand on heart, we've actually ridden motorbikes to every single Falklands grave on land, and that they are not forgotten.”
Mental Health
For many years after the Falklands, Paul did not talk about his experiences.
“I didn't talk about the Falklands to anyone, except maybe a couple of mates who were down there with me over a beer or two, or sometimes Lesley, my wife. I didn't talk about it to just anyone, I just couldn't.”
“I first went back to the Falklands in 1996, 14 years after the event. I was still serving and was a Warrant Officer at the time. I was posted to be the Sergeant Major of the Engineer Squadron down in the Falklands at Mount Pleasant Airfield... I was wondering how it would affect me, but I was down there a couple of days and I got myself a Land Rover and I drove up to Longdon. I parked down on the Murrell track and walked up the hill.
"I was by myself and I was up there three or four hours I guess. I walked up the line we'd taken, around the minefield this time, and up to the top. It was very emotional. I was in bits. At the top there is a huge memorial stone with 23 roses on it, and a stainless steel cross on the summit with a big brass plaque with all the names of the guys who were killed, and their ages, some were only 17.
When all these memories came flooding back and there was no-one there I trusted enough to talk to about it.
“During that trip, I found that my own mental health started to go downhill rapidly. The Falklanders are lovely people but when they found out I was a veteran I kept getting invites to places and to meet people, and they all wanted to talk about the war! Too much drink doesn't help either, but when all these memories came flooding back and there was no-one there I trusted enough to talk to about it. When that tour was over I literally ran up the steps of the plane and I swore I would never go back. Coincidently, shortly after that my brother who had been in the Parachute Regiment took his own life.
“Back in Germany, one day I was conducting a shoot on the ranges. I had my rifle slung over my shoulder and I had a side-arm on. A little voice came into my head, 'You could pull out that pistol and just do it now.' Then another little voice said, 'How would your two little girls think of you? How would they remember you?' I just went, 'Stop! ' and everyone was looking and thinking 'What's going on?'. A good mate of mine Mick G. who was one of my Staff Sergeants knew I'd been having a few problems. Mick came over and said, 'Are you alright, Paul?' I said, 'Mick, there's my pistol, there's my rifle, I'm going home. I’ll be fine but I need to go.'
“I was not in a very good way. We had a talk and Lesley said, 'You've got to get some help, I mean proper help.' The problem was I also knew that if I had gone to see the MO and told him what had just happened my career would have ended at that point. That was the culture at the time and I didn’t trust anyone in authority to truly understand what was going on in my head. I didn't know who to go and see but I had an idea. SSAFA and WRVS had a little office next to a little shop just outside of camp. 'I'll go and see Edna.'
“This one NAAFI break I went and I said, 'Edna, can I have a minute with you?' She said, 'Yes, come in and shut the door.' I said, 'I'm just kicking ideas about, but there's one of my lads who's not very well, he's having these depressed thoughts one thing and another.’ I may as well have been glass. She saw straight through me and she just said 'It's you, isn't it?' I went and I was in bits. I was in there for about two hours and I explained that I didn't dare go sick and all that entailed. She said, 'I get it. I'll find someone for you to talk to, completely off the radar.'
“Edna found me this lovely young lady in Bielefeld who was a psychiatrist I think and was on attachment to the Army. She'd been briefed up by Edna so knew why I was there so after a bit of chit-chat I sat there talking and we're bantering and I thought ‘she’s a civilian and doesn't even understand the basic thing about military ranks. How can I tell her about Mount Longdon and what happened there? She's not going to understand’ I was meant to go and see her again and I never did. So, it was back to the Sergeant's Mess bar, self-medicating with alcohol and being counselled by my mates and my wife.
I started to read everything I could about what was then a relatively new term for what I was experiencing - PTSD
“A good thing did come out of this though. Knowing that I could not trust the ‘official’ system I started to learn about what was going on with me and my bouts of depression, anxiety, anger, and hyper awareness. I started to recognise those symptoms and trigger points in myself so I started to educate myself on what was going on, so I knew what to avoid and how to deal with it. I started to read everything I could about what was then a relatively new term for what I was experiencing - PTSD.
“The Falklands certainly defined the rest of my life because nothing I experienced after that was as intensive or all-encompassing and I certainly got into some cheeky situations over the years! I have often said that I experienced two major life-changing events at that time. Firstly, as a human being I ‘grew up’ on Mount Longdon and that experience made me the person and soldier I became thereafter. Secondly, a year after the Falklands we had our first daughter and I was there at her birth. She has in turn produced our first granddaughter. I feel that I have a privilege denied to the many who did not make it back. I am one of the lucky ones.
It means I can help others too and that's one of the reasons why I came to SSAFA
“I have always been physically fit and healthy but in terms of my mental health sometimes I still have to ‘manage’ myself, but I find it much easier to do so because I know what’s going on, and can deal with it on my own terms. It means I can help others too and that's one of the reasons why I came to SSAFA, as well as hoping that I can help a younger generation of veterans, some of which have been through far more trauma than I ever experienced.
“I recently completed a Master's Degree in veterans studies and mental health through Anglia Ruskin University and would recommend to any veteran the value of educating yourself through adversity. I’m certainly not saying it cured me or anything like that, but knowing more about the condition certainly helped me. I have some quite strong opinions about Veterans care in the UK because of my own experiences and while it is getting better, we are still a long way off looking after our veterans the way we should.”
Message to other Falklands veterans struggling
“Good advice that anyone may give to any veteran might be: reduce or stop alcohol and narcotic intake, join interest groups, take part, get outdoors, take exercise, live well, eat well, sleep well, enjoy the sun, the sea and the forest. Enjoy being among friends, talk about your experiences, share your thoughts and feelings, seek help and cut out negative thoughts and actions. Things will get better. Enjoy life. You have earned it.”